In Search In Of The Metaphysical Father
By  Darryl James

We’ve all witnessed a young Black boy gone bad, shaking our heads, wondering where the child’s father could be and whether the father’s absence could be the cause of the child’s difficulties. However, we should give that same focus to the difficulties experienced by young Black girls as well.

Our community father is missing in action.

For many young Black boys in previous generations who were growing up without fathers, there were Black fathers in the neighborhoods who were unafraid to tell them what they needed to be doing and standing up to them when they were acting like damned fools. They, along with teachers and coaches, could discipline children without fear of reprisal from a permissive society gone mad. Our metaphysical father was not only in the community and in the schools, but metaphysically present in fatherless homes. There were metaphysical fathers in the politicians, activist, religious icons and average working men who stood as shining examples for all to see and embrace. If we say that our fathers are not in the homes, then where is our metaphysical father today?

Bill Cosby is not our metaphysical father. He is America’s favorite father and sent the “lower economic people” the message that he didn’t like them very much. Like a deadbeat absentee father, he was not present when the child was growing and struggling, yet he stepped in after the fact to criticize the grown son, while still failing to offer any real assistance to balance the criticizing. Jesse Jackson is not our metaphysical father. A bastard of the Civil Rights Movement, Jackson has, at various times, no idea of who he is supposed to be. Neither athletes nor entertainers are metaphysical fathers. Magic Johnson has recently been putting in a good effort, but he is no Muhammad Ali, and Russell Simmons looks silly acting like a community activist after harming and/or ignoring the community for decades.

For some silly Negroes, the white man is the metaphysical father. The mannerisms, speech and elitist thought patterns of racist whites govern these Negroes who may as well call George Bush, Jerry Falwell or the Pope “Daddy.” Adopting the thinking of the most racist white man who pretends not to be racist, these deluded Negroes believe they are progressive simply because they are divergent from the masses of Blacks who either recall, or still feel a heavy racist boot on their asses. Black sons and daughters of the white metaphysical father see no racism and believe that those who call racism out are “whining” and employed excuses for weakness, even though the children of the white metaphysical father often move ahead on the back of generations of “whiners.”

Because the Black metaphysical father is missing, many of us overcompensate, under compensate, decompensate, or simply fail to grow.

We can see the results of the missing metaphysical father when we see today’s younger generation enamored with an over-glamorized pimp/thug lifestyle they have never led. We see the results when we see woman who have had only poor relationships with men and sit in circles with each other to define what a “good” man should be. And, we see those results when we see grown men avid being too manly, afraid to toe the line because too many people will chastise a man for being a man.

The absentee metaphysical father is so elusive that many of us – men and women – have no idea of what a man is supposed to be. Se we act foolish and accept foolishness, often aligning ourselves with men who are nearly women – not homosexuals, but virtual asexuals – effeminate and retiring, looking for direction and needing to be controlled. These are the men who date strong women and allow themselves to be dominated and controlled, leading to bizarre relationships that neither be duplicated nor sustained.

White society is also suffering form an abundance of fatherless homes. The difference is that they can still look around and see their metaphysical father in the White House, in the boardroom and appearing to be orchestrating all things important in society.

The Black metaphysical father is hare to find, and many are simply absent. These things having been said, there are still Black fathers in our midst. In addition, there are fathering men among us who are clear about what is best for the women and children in our lives, even if they are not our wives and offspring. My brothers and my closest friends are metaphysical fathers, going out of their way to be good examples of the best of our previous generation no matter what the cost.

Denzel Washington, Chuck D and now, Will Smith are metaphysical fathers in entertainment, standing strong and true to beautiful images of Black male strength, no matter what the cost. Cornel West, Naim Akbar and Michael Eric Dyson are metaphysical fathers of intellect, standing strong and true to the beauty of the Black psyche, no matter what the cost. John Conyers and Barack Obama are metaphysical fathers in politics.

The million of Black men who raise children who are not biologically theirs are metaphysical fathers, extending the African village by miles.

Brothers, if we expect our “manchildren” to grow into productive, strong men, we have to show them what that looks like and how to grow into an example we can live out for them. If we expect our female children of the community to grow unbound beyond the lack of influence from the metaphysical father, we have to provide that same example as fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins and community members.

It may not always feel good to be the example, but we have to exist. And, it many not always feel good when metaphysical fathering is shown to us, but we have to accept it. Part of each man’s contribution to the metaphysical father is to praise many behavior and deride bad behavior – even when it appears in our own lives.

Darryl James is an award-winning author and is now a relationship coach, providing pragmatic advice for loving and living in today’s world. James’ latest book “Bringing the Black GenderGap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars.

His Web Site is  www.bridgecolumn.com and he can be reached at djames@the blackgendergap.com.